


Mistletoe Kisses and Christmas Wishes

by kaybohls



Series: Working Holiday [2]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Christmas Fluff, Christmas Smut, Devoted Ben Solo, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Kitchen Sex, Panic Attacks, Past Child Abuse, Reylo - Freeform, Sex, Smut, Snow, Truth or Dare, commitment issues, reylo au, reylo smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-26
Updated: 2019-01-02
Packaged: 2019-08-29 19:08:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 14,058
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16749898
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kaybohls/pseuds/kaybohls
Summary: Ben knew that he would have to be careful with her.  She appeared so strong, but on the inside she was fragile and ready to bolt, like a wide-eyed deer on the side of a country road.  Ben couldn’t help but love her all the more because of it.  He so desperately wanted to love her openly but she continued to hold him at arm’s length.  What could he do to make her trust in him, to trust in them?





	1. Kindling in Pure, Powerful Flame

**Author's Note:**

> Where can I go?  
> When the shadows are calling  
> Shadows are calling me  
> What can I do?  
> When it's pulling me under  
> Pulling me underneath
> 
> **trigger warning**
> 
> There is a dream sequence entirely in italics near the beginning that mentions past abandonment and abuse/implied sexual abuse. Skip past this part if you feel that it may be triggering for you! Xx
> 
> **UPDATE 01/02/19**
> 
> Happy New Year!! Popping in to split this behemoth into more manageable chapters. Thank you so much for reading!!

[](https://www.flickr.com/photos/144005946@N02/45665223715/in/dateposted-public/)

 

Rey tapped her fingers on the steering wheel and sang loudly along with the Mariah Carey on the radio as she sped along a tree lined back road.

_Oh, I won’t ask for much this Christmas_  
I won’t even wish for snow  
And I’m just gonna keep on waiting  
Underneath the Mistletoe 

She had been on the road for the better part of seven hours and according to her gps, she was getting close to her destination. She reached into the bag of cherry twizzlers to grab a snack when her hand sifted around in an empty bag. Rey grumbled internally as the very last of her snack stash had finally run dry. She had better get there soon or she was going to go crazy without anything to munch on, making a mental note to find a grocery store to stock up before she reached the cabin she was staying at. It was the day before Christmas Eve, and she was desperately anxious to have some time alone in the quiet backwoods of Upper Michigan. 

When she had approached Leia a couple weeks prior about taking a few days for herself for the holiday, her mentor immediately offered up their vacation home in the great white north. It had been unseasonably warm in Chicago the last few weeks, the weather giving no signs of there being a white Christmas this year. She was disappointed as she drove further north and found no visible signs that it was indeed wintertime. The trees began to widen slowly on the edges of the road, giving way to the view of quaint little houses scattered every few hundred yards. 

_Civilization!!_

She continued to follow the highway through a series of curves and bends until a road sign indicated a change in the speed limit. Lifting her foot off the gas, she slowed as she came around a final curve and saw a tiny, postcard perfect town spread out before her. Spotting a small strip mall with a mom-and-pop grocery store, she slowed to turn into the quaint parking lot. She parked her Mini near the back, opened the door and climbed out. Stretching her arms over her head, eager to free her body of the stiffness from being stuck in the car for so long, she took a moment to look around. On one side of the parking lot, there was a tiny little fast food restaurant with a red sign that read “Beef-a-Roo” with a ridiculous looking little cowboy wearing a yellow cowboy hat and holding a sandwich in his outstretched palm, a small stone church up on a hill across the street, and the grocery store, Angeli’s, in front of her. She straightened her jeans and pushed the sleeves up on her black and white striped top. It was definitely too warm to be winter, this had to Mother Nature’s idea of a joke. She came for snow and got an Indian Summer. She chuckled to herself when she remembered that a similar thing had happened in White Christmas, when Bing Crosby and Danny Kaye hopped on a train to Vermont looking for the snow, the same as she had done by coming to Michigan. 

Rey straightened her sunglasses, grabbed her bag and locked the door of her car before meandering inside. She snagged a grocery cart, setting her bag in the seat and started to meander through the aisles, leaning her elbows on the handle. The pile in her cart started small but quickly grew as she tossed in item after item. Leia kindly said she would have the pantry and fridge stocked for her but Rey wanted to be sure that she had all of her favorite snacks and the makings of a proper full English breakfast to have on Christmas morning. She wound her way down the cookie and cracker aisle as Judy Garland crooned “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” overhead, stopping to explore the selection of sweets before her. She reached out for a bag of double-chocolate Oreos and let out a soft gasp as the memory of a face echoed through her mind, 

_Mmm, these are much too good for children._

Rey blinked rapidly and shook the memory away. She was a grown woman now. She could eat whatever she liked whenever she liked and no one was ever going to stop her. She grabbed a second package just to spite him and moved on down the aisle. Making her way around to the back of the store, she snagged a couple of bottles of cheap wine and wound her way up to the checkout.

After she made it back to her Mini, she got back on the road and followed it the rest of the way through the quiet town of Iron River. She passed charming little antique stores, bakeries, and logging trucks as she made her way. Driving through the intersection of the town’s only stoplight, the road began to narrow again as the highway headed back into the wilderness of the northern woods. A beautiful rendition of Silent Night came on the radio as she turned onto a gravel side road. The gentle sound of cello and piano filled her ears as she slowly followed the winding road through the dense woods for a few miles before cresting a hill, revealing a grand cabin and the first real sign of Christmas. 

Nestled in the crook of the circular gravel driveway was a lovely cozy-looking cabin, painted grey with white trim. Tiny, sparkling, white lights lined the edge of the front-sloping roof and the large eave. More twinkling lights framed each window and wrapped around the welcoming porch and its pillars. Green and red garlands were wrapped each of the four pillars and a massive fir wreath with a big red bow adorned the crimson front door. The sun had started to set, making the lights sparkle like a cabin on a glittering Christmas card.

Rey grabbed her bags from the trunk and headed up towards the front door, setting down her luggage briefly to fetch the key Leia had loaned her from her key ring. She inserted the key into the lock, gave it a gentle turn and swung the wide front door open into a narrow entry-way. She wiped her feet on the rug, set her bag on a bench to her left and wandered into the spacious home. It smelled like Christmas time: a magical blend of pine and cinnamon. The smell enveloped her as she passed a small writing desk on her right and to her left was the door to what looked to be an intimate master suite. Laid out before her was a cavernous living room, decorated from floor to ceiling in rustic Christmas decorations. A full tree was placed in front of the wide windows, sparkling with white lights and red and black buffalo check garland. Evergreen garland covered the wooden hearth of a massive stone fireplace and a collection of buffalo check and furry white throw pillows filled the seats of the deep green sofa and loveseat. 

She wandered to the right and into a sprawling farmhouse kitchen. A large butcher-block island was the centerpiece, surrounded by gleaming white cabinetry with a deep green granite countertop and a dual porcelain farmhouse sink. Rey walked to the back of the house by the cut log dining table and peered out the windows towards the land at the rear of the cabin. The property was completely surrounded by trees. Cutting through the center of the backyard was a stone pathway, leading towards what she assumed was Homan Lake, one of the many lakes in the area. She stepped through a set of French doors out onto the back deck and climbed down a flight of wooden stairs so go explore the backyard further. 

The world outside was completely hushed. Since it was technically wintertime, even with the lack of snow, all of the birds had already migrated south for the winter. Rey could faintly hear the sound of rushing water as the outer edge of the lake lapped calmly on the waterfront. As she walked into the expansive area, she noticed a second trail leading into the woods, making a mental note to explore that area next. She strolled down the path towards the water and onto the dock that she found at the end of the path. Perched at the end of the dock was a small wooden bench. Rey sat and leaned back against the wooden planks and marveled at the bounty of nature’s beauty around her. Closing her eyes, she inhaled the crisp, clean air that danced around her as a cool breeze ruffled her chestnut hair around her face. The peace of the paradise around her washed over her body and mind, letting her fully exhale and release all the stresses and fears she clung onto. When she opened her eyes, a sense of loneliness enveloped her. She was the only soul around for miles. She knew she came to this beautiful place for solitude but the feeling of her aloneness weighed on her. With a heavy sigh, she wished that she had someone to share this with, and she could have if she had wanted but never thought to ask him.

_Ben._

Thanksgiving with the Organa-Solos had certainly been quite the experience. She bit her lip with a smile when she remembered how he had worshiped her body with his talented mouth, making her feel more pleasure in a single moment than she had in her entire life. Recalling the languid pace that they had made love sent shivers down her spine. Thrilling, romantic, and intimate, it was one of the most glorious moments of her life. It was even more delicious the second time around. Then the third and beyond. When they had returned to the city, the pair of them spent the remaining days of the holiday weekend at Ben’s sprawling downtown apartment. By Sunday, they had properly christened his flat, worshiping each other’s body on nearly every surface in the nearly two-thousand square foot space. 

During their time together that weekend, she had opened up to him about her past and her fears. It was clear that he felt strongly for her, but she continued to hold him at arms length. He had agreed to keep their work life professional and their constant entanglement private. There was no denying their electric connection and it wasn’t something either one of them were willing to give up. However, per their agreement, there were no strings, no labels, and no talk of the future. Rey was surprised at first that Ben was willing to consent to her rigid terms but he seemed to understand her reasons for keeping him at a distance emotionally and vowed not to push her. She wrapped her arms around herself as the wind began to blow colder than it had earlier, bringing with it a frigid chill.

_Winter is coming?_

Rey smiled to herself and stood to meander her way back up to the house. The fresh chill that was forming outside had sunk into her bones, so she gathered an armful of logs from the woodpile on the deck. Taking the wood inside, she carefully stacked the pieces inside the massive stone fireplace, lighting a blue-tipped match to get the fire started. She lowered her head and gently blew on the fledgling flames, encouraging them to grow. Wandering to where her bags sat by the front door, she toed off her boots and dug around in her bag for her book. Tucking Pride and Prejudice under her arm, she lifted the bag of groceries and brought them to the massive butcher block island. She searched in the cabinets and drawers until she discovered a wine bottle opener and a wineglass. She twisted the corkscrew into the top of one of the cheap bottles of wine, pulling the cork out with a satisfying pop. She filled the glass to the center, took a healthy swig from the bottle for good measure, and carried her drink into the living room to set it on a side table. Tucking her feet underneath her, Rey snuggled up against the pillows under a heavy wool blanket. She opened the worn pages of her book and began to read.

_“You are too generous to trifle with me. If your feelings are still what they were last April, tell me so at once. My affections and wishes are unchanged; but one word from you will silence me on this subject for ever.”_

Rey had been reading for quite some time. Her glass was empty and she was feeling warm and sleepy from the wine. She nestled herself deeper into the cushions and tried to continue to read while her eyelids became heavier and heavier as the time wore on,

_“Had Elizabeth been able to encounter his eyes, she might have seen how well the expression of heart-felt delight, diffused over his face, became him; but, though she could not look, she could listen, and he told her of feelings, which, in proving of what importance she was to him, made his affection every moment more valuable.”_

She finished the page, her eyes finally giving in to the heaviness of sleep, and ever so slowly drifted off while clutching Elizabeth and Darcy close to her heart.

 

_______________________

 

Ben walked down the corridor of Republic Publishing House in his long, loping gait, making his way to a glass office door, running his long fingers over the engraved letters on the gold name plate,

_Rey Kenobi_

It was mid-afternoon on the day before Christmas Eve and he hadn’t seen or heard from her all day except for a single text that morning,

_Taking some time to think. See you in a few days. xx_

He recalled shouting in frustration at the tiny device in his oversized hands, 

_“What the fuck does that mean, Rey?!”_

He’d tried to call her after receiving her message and growled in frustration when her number went straight to voicemail. He chucked the tiny, useless thing onto his sofa in aggravation, only to immediately snatch it up to try calling her again, to no avail. 

Ben peered through the glass door of her office now, sighing when he saw that the room was still dark. He mashed his lips together in a frustrated scowl, thumping his head against the glass. Why on earth would the girl turn off her phone? What if there was an emergency? God forbid that she got in an accident or needed help and wasn’t able to reach anyone. Did she really tell no one where she was going? He pinched the bridge of his long nose and sighed. 

There could be one person who knew.

He ambled further down the hall to the corner office that belonged to his mother, Leia Organa-Solo. He laid a stiff knock on the door and heard a familiar alto answer immediately,

“Come in!”

Ben opened the wooden door and was welcomed by the warm smiles of both of his parents. Leia was sitting behind a wide, mahogany desk with Han casually perched on the corner next to his wife,

“Benny boy! To what do we owe this unexpected visit?” Leia teased,

“I was about to head home for the day, but I was wondering…you don’t happen to have any idea where Rey’s gone to, do you? I got a text from her this morning that she was leaving for a few days but didn’t say where and her phone is turned off. I haven’t been able to reach her all day and I just want to make sure she’s okay.”

Han and Leia exchanged an odd look,

“She came to me a few days ago, asking for some time off to have some time alone away from the city. I asked her where she was going, I think she said she was going to rent a cabin someplace up north. I told her to save her money and offered up the summer house in Iron River if she was willing to make the trek,” his mother shrugged. 

“Wait, wait, hold on. Days? You knew days ago that she was leaving and you didn’t think to tell me?” he growled in frustration.

“Well, son, it really wasn’t for us to tell. We figured she would have let you know eventually, isn’t that people in relationships do?” Han chimed in.

“Dad, we’re not in a relationship,” Ben shook his head. Leia let out a loud laugh,

“You could have fooled us!” Ben rolled his eyes and exasperatedly ran a hand through his raven hair,

“Listen, I’m gonna take off for the day. I’ll see you guys for Christmas dinner,” he strode around the desk to plant a swift kiss on his mother’s cheek and swift handshake to his father before sweeping his way out the door. 

“I’ll tell you what, Leia, that boy has it bad,” Han chuckled,

“You’re telling me. Do you think he’s going to follow her up there?”

“Oh, I hope so. I wanted the house to ourselves on Christmas. Now I just need to figure out a way to get rid of your brother,” he winked at her mischievously with a lopsided grin before pressing a tender kiss to his wife’s lips. 

 

Later that night, Ben laid in his bed, unable to sleep. He’d tried desperately to convince his body to give in to his exhaustion but had only managed to get a few minutes here and there. Each time that he’d start to drift, his mind would go back to the beautiful, hazel-eyed girl. It would have been easy to hop into his Range Rover and drive the few hours to join her at his parent’s cabin and he had nearly done just that as he left the office that afternoon. He wanted nothing more than to be with Rey right now, but he also wanted to give her the space that she desired.

Over the last few weeks, they had gone through the motions but never acknowledged what they were. They’d spent a whirlwind weekend together in this very apartment after they came together in the boathouse on Thanksgiving. During that time, Rey told him of her past and of all the awful ways her foster father tortured her as a child. He took a settling breath and flexed his fingers as he grew angry again just thinking about it. After discovering how difficult her life had been, Ben knew that he would have to be careful with her. She appeared so strong, but on the inside she was fragile and ready to bolt, like a wide-eyed deer on the side of a country road. Ben couldn’t help but love her all the more because of it. He so desperately wanted to love her openly but she continued to hold him at arm’s length. What could he do to make her trust in him, to trust in them?

Yearning for a distraction, he leaned over to his nightstand and picked up a book. He gently brushed his hands over the worn cover, running his fingers over the title: Jane Eyre. He cracked open the cover and smiled to himself as he read the inscription inside,

_To Anakin, on our wedding day,_

_“I have for the first time found what I can truly love–I have found you. You are my sympathy–my better self–my good angel–I am bound to you with a strong attachment. I think you good, gifted, lovely: a fervent, a solemn passion is conceived in my heart; it leans to you, draws you to my centre and spring of life, wrap my existence about you–and, kindling in pure, powerful flame, fuses you and me in one.”_

_All my love,_

_Padmé_

 

He traced the hand written script, reading the words over and over. His mother had given him this book many years ago after the passing of his grandfather and reading it had ignited in him a love for literature that set him on the course for his future. Without this book, he’d never have gone into publishing and he would have never met Rey. 

_I have for the first time found what I can truly love—I have found you._

Ben knew then what he needed to do.

He jumped up from his bed and strode with purpose into his closet, grabbing a black duffel bag and began to stuff some of his things inside. He slipped on a pair of black jeans, a hoodie, and his leather jacket. Making his way to the door of his flat, he stopped next to the kitchen counter, his eyes falling on a small turquoise-blue box tied with a red ribbon. He reached his hand out over the box, hesitating for only a moment before snatching it up to put it in his pocket and walk out the door.


	2. Good Things Never Last

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Oh, I hope some day I'll make it out of here  
> Even if it takes all night or a hundred years  
> Need a place to hide, but I can't find one near  
> Wanna feel alive, outside I can fight my fear“
> 
> Lovely by Billie Eilish with Khalid

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *trigger warning*
> 
> The italicized section has mild physical abuse and inferences to sexual abuse. If you find any of these themes triggering, please skip to the non-italicized section! 
> 
> -KB xoxo

[](https://www.flickr.com/photos/144005946@N02/32705704578/in/dateposted-public/)

 

_“I’ll come back for you sweetheart. I promise.”_

_She is a little girl, nervously fiddling with the zipper on her jacket while she sits alone on a park bench in front of a golden carousel. She is waiting for her mother to return with a ticket for her to take a ride. She waits and waits. It gets dark and the lights sparkle off of the shining carnival ride, reflecting in her now tear filled eyes. Strangers ask her if she needs help but she always answers no. Her mommy went to get a ticket and she would be right back. The park becomes empty and she is so, so tired. She curls up on the wooden bench and closes her eyes only for a moment. Mommy will wake me up when she comes back with my ticket. Morning comes and her mother hasn’t returned. Thinking maybe she got lost, she wanders away from the bench to search for her and eventually loses her way._

_Time goes by._

_She is so hungry. She hides behind the pancake house where no grownups will see and waits for them to finish their cigarette before climbing into the dumpster to find something, anything to eat._

_She sits on a soft sofa in an office. A kind woman smiles at her and assures that they will find someone to take care of her. She wouldn’t be hungry anymore. She goes to live in a house with lots of children. The older girls pick on her and call her a dirty scavenger, unwanted by her own mother. More time goes by and she remembers all the different faces of other families who didn’t want her. She’s in the office once more. They say that they found the perfect family for her. She thinks that this time, maybe this family will keep her. There’s a mommy and a daddy. The mommy is kind, the daddy is cool and distant but they are happy for a time. The mommy gives her sweets and read her books before bedtime. Hearing the stories are her favorite part of her day. She hears arguing. This isn’t working out. He can’t be expected to love a child that isn’t his. She goes back to the house with all the children and the mean girls. She is back on the sofa in the office. There’s a man there. The kind woman says he is a good person and will take good care of her._

_In her new home, Unkar is only kind to her when the social worker visits. He makes her scrub the floors until her skin cracks, telling her that she must earn her keep. He tells her that he doesn’t understand why children are so disgusting, that they are like insects and must be gotten rid of as soon as possible. That his idea of a perfect home is one without any children in it at all. He repeatedly taunts her about the good mommy who gave her back to the social worker. “Good things never last, girl,” he laughs. She is hungry all the time, Unkar only lets her eat the scraps off of his plate. He eats sweets in front of her and when he offers one to her, he snatches it away from her grasp, insisting that they are much too good for children. After he’s gone to bed, she sneaks into the kitchen, searching the cabinets for the package of cookies. Desperate for just a taste, she takes a single one and cherishes every nibble. He discovers her deed. “You look like you enjoyed that little sweetie. Would you like some more?” he taunts her and forces her to eat an entire package until she is sick. When she vomits, he slaps her and forces her to mop it up._

_Time goes by._

_She wears long sleeves to school to conceal the bruises. She sneaks away to her room when her chores are finished and loses herself in books. Anything to take her away from this place. She reads a story about a girl trapped in a tower until one day, a handsome prince comes to rescue her. She keeps her treasured story under a loose floorboard. Unkar discovers her one prized possession and drags her by her hair to the fireplace, screaming at her to throw the trash into the flames. He beats her until she does what he commands. Her heart breaks as she watches the pages curl up into ash. Unkar’s constant reminder echoes in her ears. “Good things never last.” She stares out her window and watches the outside world go by, dreaming that she is the trapped princess waiting for the day when her prince would come to free her._

_Time goes by._

_She is nearly a woman now. She has a job and Unkar takes all but what she hides away. She studies hard, knowing that her education is the only way out of this hell hole. Unkar has noticed that she isn’t a little girl any more. He puts his sweaty hands on her neck and drags them uncomfortably low on her body. He “accidentally” walks into the bathroom while she takes a bath, his eyes linger on her body for far too long. On her eighteenth birthday, she tells him that she is leaving and has been offered a scholarship at a university in America. He grabs her arm with a bruising grip, reminding her of the mantra of her childhood, “Good things never last.” Feeling bold, she slaps him and pays for it dearly. She escapes in the middle of the night with a cracked rib and a black eye. She is sitting in the window seat of a 747 bound for Chicago. On her first night in her dorm room, a space that is truly her own, she dreams of a tall, dark-haired prince._

 

__________________________

 

When Rey opened her eyes the next morning, the room was filled with a bright light. She rubbed her eyes, reached her arms high over her head and and pointed her toes as far as they could and stretched out her lean body, desperate to rid her back of the ache that had bloomed from spending the night on the couch. She hadn’t intended to fall asleep reading when there was a more than acceptable bed just steps away. She stood and made her way over to the window to admire the beautiful backyard as she had done the evening before and let out a soft gasp. While she slept, the world had been transformed, like God had shaken out a soft, white blanket and draped it over the world. Giant snowflakes continued to gently fall towards the earth, countless dainty butterflies that were swirling, waltzing and chasing each other in an elegant dance. She let out a quiet giggle and bounced on the balls of her feet in excitement. Christmas had finally arrived in all it’s magical, snowy glory, just like it had for Bing Crosby and Rosemary Clooney in White Christmas. She was going to relish every moment she had in this winter wonderland.

She padded into the kitchen to put the kettle on and then made her way to the front door to grab her bag. Wandering into the master bedroom, she sighed. Inside was a huge four-poster log bed with a luxuriously soft-looking white bedspread. Placed at the head were at least a dozen red plaid and fuzzy sheepskin throw pillows. It looked deliciously comfortable and she wanted nothing more than to hurl herself into the mountain of softness.

“Later,” she smiled to herself, “there’s snow to see.”

Rey set her bag on a cushy bench at the foot of the bed and took a moment to admire the rest of the room. A second stone fireplace took up the entire far wall and a pair of winged back chairs were nestled in front of it. She grinned, feeling unbelievably lucky that Leia gave her the opportunity to experience this paradise in the woods.

She changed into a pair of snug jeans and a soft grey tee. As she laced her snow boots up, she spied a flash of red and black peeking out of the top of her bag. She grabbed it from her bag and held it up to her nose and inhaled deeply,

_Ben._

It still smelled faintly of him, like spices and earth with a hint of smoke. She had “borrowed” it from him the last time she was at his flat and didn’t have the heart to return it to its rightful owner. She gently lifted it over her shoulders and slid her arms into the long sleeves. Surrounded by his smell, it reminded her of the moments when she was safely wrapped in his arms. Pulling a wine colored beanie over her hair, she grabbed her olive green coat and made it back to the kitchen just in time for the kettle to let out a shrill whistle. 

Stepping out into the snow on the back deck with a mug of tea in her gloved hand, she momentarily held her breath as the crisp, cold air enveloped her. She carefully made her way down the stairs, her boots softly crunching against the thick layer of snow, and made her way to the trail she had made a mental note to explore the night before. The path was quiet as the snow continued to softly fall. The wind whispered as the the flakes fell like confetti onto her knit cap. In the swirl of white around her, the world looked brand new, like a blank canvas begging for an artist’s hands to fill it with color. Snow hugged the curve of each branch overhead, the extra weight causing them to hang low. Rey lifted her face to the sky, the snowflakes kissed her face and clung to her eyelashes. They landed as soft as a mother’s kiss would on the face of her child. She let out a shuddering breath as she remembered her dream and the rare moments when she felt that kind of love from her own mother. 

_Good things never last._

Nestling her nose into the soft flannel of Ben’s shirt, she tried to center herself as hot tears began to fall, blending with the wet imprints the snowflakes had left on her cheeks. Rey breathed in the faint scent of him, imagining his muscular arms wrapped around her. The thought of him helped to calm her nerves for a moment before the sharp pang of loneliness struck her in the heart. She tearfully watched as the snow continued to dance around her, wishing that she could share this winter wonderland with someone, anyone. Him. 

Wiping her eyes with her gloved hand, her breath caught in her throat when she saw a dark figure far down the trail from where she stood. Thinking that it was her tear-blurred eyes playing a trick on her, Rey continued to make her way down the wooded trail. The memories continued to haunt her thoughts and she tried to think of something, anything to drive them away. Her memories held her captive, the anxiety she felt from them followed her around like a ghost, whispering dark thoughts into her mind when she least expected it. There were flashes of a golden carousel and a sharp pain in her chest as a large boot planted a kick to her ribs. Panicking, the past began to squeeze around her with a vice like grip. Tension grew in her face and limbs, her breathing becoming more rapid and shallow as the thoughts accelerated in her head. Unable to catch her breath, her legs buckled beneath her and she landed in a crumpled heap in the snow.

Her heart thudded heavily in her chest. Her feet tingled. Her hands shook. The blood pounded deafeningly in her ringing ears. She cried harder, her chest growing tight as bile rose in her throat. Her fear rising up to choke her, she thought she heard someone calling out her name. It wasn’t until she felt the warmth of large hands hugging her cheeks that her vision finally began to clear. Rey looked up into warm brandy-colored eyes, filled with alarm. His mouth was moving as he brushed away her tears but she couldn’t hear him over the heartbeat that was drumming loudly in her ears,

“Ben,” she gasped with a strangled sob, collapsing into him. He wound his arms around her and lifted her easily from the snow, holding her firmly against his chest, murmuring into her hair,

“It’s okay sweetheart, I’m here. You’re not alone.”

He swung her up into his strong arms as if she was nothing more than a rag doll, picked up her abandoned mug of tea and carried her to the house. His comforting hand held her back, pressing her tightly against his chest as she listlessly wound her arms around his broad shoulders, burying her face into the collar of his black, leather coat. Despite the heavy weight of the fear in her stomach, it fluttered at the feeling of her body pressed against his. She sank into his warmth, cherishing his presence. His touch made the world seem warmer and somehow and a little less bleak, lifting the dark curtain to reveal the magical wonderland around them. 

Ben reached the door of the cabin and knocked the snow off of his heavy boots with a thunk against the doorframe, never once loosening his firm hold on her. He swept into the master bedroom and gently placed her on the bedspread, running his large hand along her cheek as he murmured,

“I’ll be right back.”

Alone once more, she continued to dwell on her fear. She was good at hiding it, but it was always present, always waiting like a monster under the bed. Without it, she felt empty. She was terrified of it but she needed it. She needed to feel something, needed something to go to shit, something to be imperfect. That was the pattern her life had for so long and she’d never learned to accept anything else. Not until him. Ben had appeared to her like a lighthouse in a hurricane, leading her back to the safety and the warmth of his light. He had disappeared into the bathroom and she had heard the sudden rush of water. He emerged a few moments later, his eyes immediately meeting hers. He purposefully strode to her side, bending to her level, and looked deeply into her eyes,

“I’ve got you, okay?”

She wordlessly nodded, putting her trust in him. He ever so slowly began to remove her clothes. First, he started with her wine-colored hat and her coat, tossing them into a pile on the bed. He smiled to himself as he lifted her arm to gently pull the sleeve of the flannel shirt that she had permanently borrowed from him, gingerly folding it and placing it on the comforter beside her. He made quick work of unlacing her boots and discarding her shirt, cradling her weary limbs in his hands as he worked. He knelt before her, undid the button at her waist and carefully peeled her snow-damp jeans down her thighs. When she was finally bare before him, he scooped up her naked form, holding her close to his chest once more and strode into the bathroom. While she was alone, he had filled the porcelain claw foot tub to the brim with piping hot water and soothing lavender oil. He gingerly lowered her into the hot liquid, the water hugging every curve of her body and the warmth instantly soothed her nerves. The scent of the lavender enveloped her senses. She brought her knees to her chest, burying her face tightly against them as Ben silently knelt on the floor beside her, resting his chin along the cool edge of the tub and gazing at her with worried eyes. He reached into the bath with her and tentatively ran his large hand softly up and down the skin of her back, bringing handfuls of hot water with it to cascade down her tense muscles. He began to rub slow circles against her and murmur gentle words, telling her that she wasn’t alone. She ever so slowly began to relax, her dark passenger finally starting to fade away into the dark recesses of her mind. 

They sat there together for ages, her fear evaporating little by little with each passing moment. After a while, she finally spoke,

“You really don’t have to do this,” she whispered. He gazed at her for a moment, pressing his lips together as he softly sighed and shook his head,

“I’m not going anywhere.”

She gave him the smallest of smiles and leaned towards him, the water shifting around her in small waves, pressing a soft kiss to his lips,

“The water is getting cold, I think I’m ready to get out,” she wistfully smiled. Ben stood and grabbed a large, fluffy towel from a cupboard, holding it open for her in front of the tub. She stood on shaky legs and carefully placed one foot after the other onto the bath mat on the floor. He gingerly wrapped the towel around her shoulders like a cocoon, encompassing her in its softness. She let out a quiet squeal as he bent down and scooped her up in his arms once more, nuzzling her cheek with his long nose as he walked her out of the bathroom to the massive four-poster bed. He laid her down gently on the covers and pulled a plaid blanket from the foot of the bed over her feet and covered her body. She snuggled into the softness and watched him as he sauntered to the large fireplace and built a roaring fire log by log. He made his way back to her and ran his large hand along her cheek, leaning down to press the ghost of a kiss on her forehead,

“You rest. If you need me, I’ll be in the kitchen,” he stood and strode towards the door.

“Ben?” she called out quietly and he immediately paused with his hand on the doorframe,

“Mmm?”

“I can’t believe you’re here, this feels like a dream,” she murmured.

“I was always here,” he stated with a serious look in his eye, “I always will be.”

She smiled to herself as he ducked out the door, snuggling deeper into the covers and began to gently drift into a peaceful sleep.


	3. More Than Anything

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Listen to the hum  
> Silence coming closer  
> Feel every breath  
> Nothing’s meant to last forever”
> 
> Hold Me, The Sweeplings

[](https://www.flickr.com/photos/144005946@N02/45665223145/in/dateposted-public/)

 

The hushed sound of jazz music filtered into the room, gently rousing Rey from her easy slumber. The gentle strain of smooth trumpets and saxophones washed over her, bringing with it the mouth-watering smell of breakfast. She could eat the air and drink the music, so heady was the fragrance of crispy bacon and the melody of the music. Slowly stretching her aching muscles, she unfolded herself from the plush towel she was still wrapped in, softly placing her feet on the carpet. Unfolding the flannel shirt that Ben had so carefully placed at the foot of the bed, she pulled her arms through the sleeves and pressed the buttons through their holes. Meant to fit Ben’s ridiculously broad shoulders, the shirt wore like a dress on her lean frame, barely ghosting the top of her thighs. She meandered towards the door and lingered against the wooden frame, smiling to herself as she watched Ben gently sway to the music, humming to himself as he stood with his back to her at the stove. She silently moseyed across the cool wood floors into the kitchen and snaked her arms around his waist, moving with him to the music as she nestled her nose between his shoulder blades. He covered her hands with his own, intertwining his fingers with hers. He lifted her hand and turned to face her, delicately spinning her around in a slow twirl in the process. He pulled her to his chest with one large hand pressed low against her back and cradling her hand in the other. The slow music twirled like a thread around them. She rested her head against his broad chest and let him sway her body ‘round and ‘round again. Ella Fitzgerald’s voice crooned and muted trumpets soared with the slow and sure beating of a drum.

_Maybe I’m crazy to suppose_  
I’d ever be the one you chose  
Out of a thousand invitations you’d receive  
Ah, but just in case I stand one little chance  
Here comes the jackpot question in advance   
What are you doing New Years, New Years Eve 

They continued to move together, her heart was completely at peace as he held her close in the safety of his arms. The music slowed and their eyes met, gold-flecked hazel into warm honeyed-bourbon, as he slowly bent his head down to place a soft kiss to her lips. Rey wound her hands around his neck, intertwining her fingers through his inky hair, pulling him down into a demanding kiss, plundering his mouth with her tongue and nipping at his full lips with her teeth. She filled the kiss with every ounce of gratitude for how he pulled her from her darkness that morning, losing herself as she raked her fingers down his chiseled chest and hooked her hand in his belt. She made quick work of the clasp, her mouth never leaving the embrace of his soft lips, no longer able to think straight. All that mattered in this moment was closing the space between them completely. Rey pulled at the button on his jeans and Ben let out a gravelly moan against her mouth, wrapping his arms around her waist and hoisting her easily onto the butcher block island. He tore himself away from her kiss and murmured huskily against her,

“Rey,” he whispered slowly, prolonging the sound on his lips as if to savor each letter. She smiled coyly, her heart fluttering at the sound of her name in his deep voice as she clasped her hands on each side of his face, pulling him to her once more. Ben let out a deep moan that she devoured with her mouth, hungry to hear the delectable sound again but he pulled away once more, “Rey, stop.”

She balked, pulling her hands away from his abruptly, her brow furrowing in an adorable grimace. Ben reached behind her and picked up a plate laden with pancakes, sausage, and eggs, depositing it in her hands.

“Eat,” he stated with a crooked smile, “it will be worth the wait, I promise,” he let out a chuckle that reverberated in his chest, amused by the pout forming on her face. She reluctantly picked up a sausage link and tore off a bite with a disgruntled look in her eye. Chewing slowly, her eyes rolled back in her head as she let out a moan of deep satisfaction and grinned at Ben as she devoured the rest of the link enthusiastically. He laughed and handed her a fork that she graciously accepted, using the utensil to shovel bite after bite into her mouth. She watched him as he sauntered back to the stove, swaying to the music once more as he gently flipped the sizzling bacon slices. Biting her lip, she gazed freely at his hips as they moved back and forth, recalling with a thrill how those hips would roll against hers, filling her with ecstasy in more ways than one. He was like the Sun and she was caught in his orbit, blossoming under his warm gaze and filling her dark world with a bright light. Their connection was electric, a crackling static in the air whenever they were within close proximity of each other. There wasn’t any rhyme or reason to it, but from the moment they met, as tumultuous as their early moments were, the electricity was there, charging the atmosphere to make the baby hairs on her neck stand on end. 

She watched Ben remove the sizzling bacon from the skillet piece by piece, setting them to rest on a plate in his hand. He sauntered over to her, tearing a bite off a piping hot slice and asked,

“Still hungry?”

“Oh, like you wouldn’t believe,” she purred. She snagged a slice off of the proffered plate and hissed when the grease burned her fingers. 

“Oh shit, be careful kid, it’s hot,” he set down the plate and swooped her injured hand up in his own and brought her fingers to his plush lips, pressing a soft kiss to her aching skin. She shivered as his mouth planted a line of kisses across each one of her fingertips, slowly sucking the crumbs off of her forefinger while his eyes burned into hers. Ben trailed kisses down her wrist and up the inside of her arm, taking a moment to savor the hollows of her collar bones before nuzzling his nose along the line of her jaw. Rey whimpered as he ran his large hands up her thighs and Ben devoured the sound as he plundered her mouth with a heated kiss. He let out a strangled chuckle when his hands found the heat between her thighs and discovered that she was completely bare underneath his flannel shirt. 

She tightly gripped his wide shoulders, holding on for dear life as he circled her sensitive bud with his thumb as his other hand clumsily fiddled with the buttons on her shirt. The garment fell from her shoulders and pooled around her waist, freeing her breasts that Ben languorously explored with his tongue as he delved his fingers into her wet cunt, pumping his hand in and out with a steady pace. Rey tensed under his expert touch as her pleasure crested, crying out as she quickly tumbled down from the precipice. She dragged her mouth against the growing stubble along his jaw as she hooked her fingers in his waistband, yanking him towards her. She hastily undid the latch on his leather belt, unhooked the button and shoved the fabric down his hips, freeing his pulsing erection in the process. 

He hooked his arm around her waist as he slowly dragged his cock along her entrance, letting out an animalistic growl into her ear. He leisurely sunk into her, sending a shock down to her toes as her body stretched to accommodate his sizable length. Ben grazed his teeth along her shoulder as he began to relentlessly snap his hip against hers, burying his length inside her over and over. Rey rolled her body against his as she climbed to the peak of her pleasure once more, heatedly tangling her fingers in his hair. She keened loudly as she came to pieces under his touch as he let out a gravelly groan against her, his breath ragged in her ear as he found his own release, pumping her full with his hot spend. 

Ben cradled her face in his hands, peppering each of her freckles with hot kisses. She let out a sigh against his mouth and murmured,

“You’re right, it was well worth the wait.”

 

_____________________

 

They sat cuddled up together in the soft throw pillows of the couch, Ben comfortably leaning back against the cushions with Rey nestled between his knees and against his chest, both reading contently in the fading afternoon light. Rey tried to stay focused on the words of Jane Austen but couldn’t for the life of her concentrate with the feeling of her back pressed up against Ben’s wide chest. She chewed on her lip as she remembered the feeling of his bare skin pressed up against her back in the shower as he curled his fingers into her, bringing her to completion over and over as the piping hot water from the shower poured over their naked bodies. Her cheeks flushed as she recalled the feeling of his large hands held her waist with a bruising grip as he buried himself in her once more, the memory sending a shock down to her toes. Suddenly overwhelmed with the feeling of it being far too hot against his chest, Rey was struck with an idea,

“Let’s go for a walk!”

Ben looked at her quizzically but didn’t argue. They both donned their boots and coats and ambled out into the snow together. They strolled together hand-in-hand down the trail as the snow continued to quietly swirl around them. Rey’s steps slowed as she paused to look up at the dancing slow flakes as they twirled down from the sky, each one clinging to her lashes. Ben closed the gap between them, reaching up to trace small circles against her rosy cheek with his thumb. The air was oh so quiet around them, like they were the only two people in the world. Green-flecked hazel met warm honeyed bourbon as Ben leaned down to press a soft kiss to her lips and for a split second in the cold winter air, Rey felt warm all over. 

 

After the cold had seeped into their bones and kissing in the snow couldn’t make them quite warm enough, they ventured back into the house. They knocked the snow off their boots and Ben quickly got to work at building a roaring fire in the stone fireplace as Rey rummaged in the cupboards for something to cook for dinner. Leia had the kitchen well-stocked before Rey’s arrival and she soon emerged from the refrigerator with an armful of groceries. She quickly busied herself with halving brussel sprouts and hummed to herself, lost in the task at hand, when Ben sauntered over and wrapped his arms around her waist and nuzzled his nose in the hollow behind her ear, sending a shiver down her spine and making a smile to bloom on her face,

“Let me, you go get us a drink,” he delectably purred in her ear. Rey handed over the knife and walked over to the cupboard to pull out the second bottle of the cheap wine she had purchased at the store the day before. Ben looked at her with a glint in his eye as she pulled a pair of wine glasses from a shelf and said, “Oh no, that just won’t do. I’ll be right back.”

He disappeared down a shallow hall and emerged a few moments later with a bottle of wine in his hand, gently blowing dust off the label,

“When in Rome, you drink the good stuff,” he winked as he quickly uncorked the wine and poured them each a glass. 

After the brussel sprouts were roasted to a crispy golden caramel and a pair of steaks were grilled, the two sat together at the table to eat, trading work ideas, bits of their favorite books, and more. Ben regaled her with the tale of how he stole his father’s precious stingray, the “Falcon”, when he was seventeen and took it for a joyride around the city, narrowly making it back home before Han noticed that the car was gone. Rey listened contently with a wistful smile as she imagined what it must have been like to grow up with parents that loved their child as much as Han and Leia loved Ben. 

After dinner, Ben washed up the dishes as Rey mixed up a batch of hot chocolate, adding a candy cane and a dash of Maker’s Mark to each mug for good measure. They settled back into the living room with their spiked cocoas, talking animatedly about their shared love of the Travel Channel as Rey gushed about how much she would love to explore the Scottish Highlands. 

“Some day, I’ll take you there,” he told her earnestly. Rey’s heart leapt in her chest as he gazed at her unblinkingly, the sudden tension between them palpable. He blinked and pressed his lips together in a grimace, “Right, no talking about the future, I’m sorry, it was the cocoa talking,” he winked, brushing the moment aside. Rey cleared her throat and jumped up from the sofa,

“I think I’m ready for something stronger, what else do your parents have hidden away back there?” Ben grinned and hoisted himself from the soft cushions and disappeared into the kitchen once more and emerged a moment later with an expensive-looking bottle of bourbon. He snagged a pair of rocks glasses from the cupboard and dropped an ice cube into each one before bringing the set into the living room and handing Rey the bottle. She inspected the label and let out a soft gasp. It was a twenty-three year old, small batch from Four Roses and Rey knew immediately it was a rare and expensive bottle to find,

“Are you sure it’s okay that we drink this?” Rey breathed, flabbergasted as she rolled the luxurious bottle over in her hands,

“Let’s just call it Han and Leia’s Christmas present to us,” Ben gave her a wicked grin and snatched the bottle from her and popped the cork, pouring some into each of the glasses. Rey swirled the golden liquid around, relishing the sound of the ice cubes softly clinking against the glass, taking a breath of the fragrance that only years in an oak barrel can achieve. The heady scent of leather and maple syrup clouded her senses. She slowly brought the glasses to her lips and took a gentle sip of the amber liquid, letting the complex flavors of honeysuckle and cinnamon coat her tongue. The liquid warmed her deep in her chest and she smiled to herself before diving in for another sip.

It wasn’t long before they were both feeling the affects of the liquor, both of them smiling a little wider and laughing a little louder. Overcome with the gleam of drunken mischievousness, Rey burst out,

“Truth or dare!”

Ben guffawed loudly and rubbed his face with his hands as he laughed, contemplating which was the lesser of two evils to choose,

“I’m going to regret this, I swear,” he groaned into his palm, “Dare.” Rey’s face split into a wicked grin as she tossed him his phone from the table,

“I dare you to call that red-headed bastard and pretend that you’re ordering a pizza and that you need him to be the special delivery boy,” she laughed. 

Ben played along reluctantly at first before grasping just how far he could take the game. It was innocent at first, childish things like asking if they’d ever stolen anything before and tying a cherry stem in a knot in their mouths. Ben upped the ante after their second glass of bourbon and they were both feeling brave and more than a little facetious,

“I dare you to stand on the table and strip for me,” he rumbled with a dark gleam in his eye. Rey’s cheeks flushed as she fiddled with her phone to select the perfect song,

“You’re going to regret this, Solo,” she smirked as she set the phone down and stepped up onto the coffee table. She stood with her back towards Ben and she sensuously swirled her hips to the music, slowly bending over and running her hands up the length of her lean legs. She casually hooked her fingers in the hem of her tee shirt and languorously pulled the fabric up and over her head, casually tossing it to Ben as she peered coquettishly at him over her shoulder. She pressed her hands under the waistband of her black leggings and leisurely peeled them down her thighs as she rolled her hips to the sensuous beat of the music. Her leggings tossed to the sofa, Ben’s eyes burned into her as she twisted her thumbs under her bra straps, moving each strap down her shoulders suggestively as she bit her lip. She unhooked the clasp and slid the garment down her arms before flinging it towards her wide-eyed lover. Nearly bare before him, he leaned forward hungrily, reaching out to grasp the lace fabric of her panties. She slapped his fingers and tutted with her tongue,

“Oh no, please, no touching of the merchandise, sir,” she grinned flirtatiously, running her hands up her lean torso to her breasts and back down to the apex of her thighs, reaching her fingers down across the moist fabric. She watched his eyes burn as she lazily rubbed herself through the fabric, letting out a soft whine, “Do you want this?”

“Oh god, baby, yes,” he growled, his eyes wild with desire.

“Oh that’s too bad,” she feigned a sympathetic pout as she hopped down from the table and wrapped herself in a flannel blanket, “because now it’s your turn. Strip. We are going outside.”

She grinned wickedly, watching from the doorway as Ben ran out into the snow, naked as the day he was born. He threw himself down into the cold powder and created a massive snow angel as quickly as he could and hopping back through the snow into the house. She chewed on her lip as she gazed at his naked form, thanking the gods above that the cold didn’t present any problem when it came to the size of him. Ben cocooned himself in his own blanket on the sofa and took a long swig of the expensive bourbon straight from the bottle,

“Fuck, it’s cold!” Ben bemoaned from the couch as Rey giggled from the doorway, making her way to the living room and nestling up against him on the couch, “What’s next, sweetheart? I want a new one. Truth. Ask me anything.” She leaned her glass against her cheek and chewed on her lip thoughtfully, 

“Why were you asleep in the conference room when we first met?” Ben took a deep breath and drained his glass,

“I just got out of prison the day before and spent the night before celebrating my newfound freedom,” he casually stated as he leaned forward to refill his glass, “Give me another truth.” Emboldened by the alcohol, she ignored the rules of the game and loosed another question, 

“Who’s Kylo?”

“Me. I’m Kylo,” he answered simply, draining his glass once more, setting it down on the table with a soft thud. Rey didn’t have a chance to think about his answers and let out a squeal as he wrapped his arms around her waist and hauled her into his lap, her knees straddling his muscular thighs. Rey ran her hands under the soft blanket along the lines of his pecs, gingerly connecting the space between his beauty marks with her fingers, 

“Your turn, Sweetheart. Truth or dare?”

“Dare.”

“Kiss me.” Rey grinned, more than happy to oblige him. She leaned in slowly and softly grazed her lips against his mouth, running her tongue languorously along the seam of his lips. She pressed in harder, moving her lips against him, savoring the lingering flavor of the bourbon on his tongue as it swirled against hers. Her hands travelled up his shoulders and into his hair as she ground her hips against his growing erection. His breath was ragged as he pushed the blanket from her shoulders, gripping the curve of her hips with his fingers. She tore herself away from his lips and moaned against his mouth,

“Truth or dare.”

“Truth,” he groaned. She pulled a hair away from him and searched his eyes,

“Do you love me?” she whispered softly. Ben let out a desperate sigh and she rocked against him, whimpering as the hard line of his cock rubbed against her sensitive bud. 

“More than anything.” 

Her mouth crashed into his, heatedly pulling at his bottom lip with her teeth, devouring the hungry growl that escaped him. Ben encircled his muscular arms around her waist and seamlessly lifted her from the sofa, his pillow soft lips never leaving hers as he carried her to the bedroom. Rey pulled at his hair with her fingers, craning his head to the side so she could swirl her tongue across the lines of his adorably oversized ear. He unleashed an animalistic groan as she nibbled on the soft skin of his earlobe, stumbling through the doorway and gracelessly tossing her onto the plush four-poster bed. Ben stood before her and palmed his erection in his hand, his eyes heatedly grazing across her naked body sprawled out on the covers,

“Fuck, you look so good I could eat you up,” he rumbled, chewing on his bottom lip hungrily.

“Then why don’t you?” Rey purred coquettishly, kneading her breasts under her hands and rolling her nipples between her fingers. Ben loosed a low chuckle that reverberated through his chest, giving her a lopsided grin in the process. How was this exquisite creature laid bare before him able to give him everything and nothing at the same time? He desperately wanted all of her, he’d even openly declared his love for her but she was still just out of reach. His love for her burned so brightly that he was willing to take whatever she would give him, no matter what it cost his heart. 

He leisurely lowered himself over her on the bed, balancing his weight on his hands on either side of her head. Ben dragged his soft mouth across the hollows of her collarbones, leaving a trail of scorching kisses along the way. He savored every single inch of her bronzed skin, worshiping the valley between her breasts with his tongue. She wriggled underneath him as he flicked his tongue over her pebbled nipples one at a time before circling each one with the tip of his long nose. He continued his exploration down her lean torso, inching down her body languorously until he reached the apex of her thighs. Ben dragged his nose up the moist fabric of her lace panties, deeply inhaling the heady scent of her arousal. He wrapped the hem around his large fingers and deliberately pulled the fabric down her thighs at a tantalizingly slow pace before discarding them onto the floor. 

He teased her bud with his thumb, tracing small circles around the bundle of nerves and Rey bucked underneath him at the sudden contact. She keened loudly as he abruptly plunged two of his fingers into her core, his lazy pace forgotten as he ruthlessly curled upwards inside her. Rey rolled her body under his touch, quickly coming to pieces with a whimper when he placed his mouth on her mound, relentlessly lapping at her folds as she tumbled down from her peak again and again. Without giving her a moment to breathe, Ben buried himself in her cunt and he groaned loudly as he sheathed himself to the hilt, Rey stretching to accommodate his girth. He slowly rocked against her, devouring her moans with his mouth and rolled her bottom lip between his teeth. Rey tangled her fingers in his raven hair, tracing the curve of his ears with her thumbs as her hazel eyes burned into his, her breath ragged as he began to move faster. He groaned against her mouth as the sound of skin slapping against skin echoed through the room around them. He continued pumping into her at a scorching pace as Rey went stiff underneath him with a broken wail, her walls beginning to quake around him, milking every drop from him as they both found their release. He collapsed on top of her in a heap, his breath ragged in her hair.

Rey ran her fingers up and down his sculpted back, whispering tender words of gratitude into his ear. He hoisted his heavy body off of hers and rolled onto the mattress next to her, reaching up to trace his thumb over her mouth before leaning in to press a gentle kiss on her lips. Her circled his arms around her and cradled her to his bare chest, nuzzling his nose into her hair, softly sweeping his hand up and down her back. 

“Thank you, Ben,” she murmured against him sleepily, “Thank you for being mine. I’ll always be yours.” 

“I’ll be yours as long as you’ll let me, sweetheart,” Ben breathed a soft sigh into her hair as he heard a chorus of soft snores drifting from the enchanting creature wrapped up in his arms. Emboldened by the bourbon, Ben felt the pull to tell her how he felt without the weight of a dare hanging over them and was disappointed that she wasn’t awake to hear but decided to say the words anyway,

“I love you.”


	4. Your Own Worst Enemy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I feel the pages turning  
> I see the candle burning down  
> Before my eyes, before my wild eyes  
> I feel you holding me  
> Tighter, I cannot see  
> When will we finally breathe?”
> 
> Breathe, Fleurie

[](https://www.flickr.com/photos/144005946@N02/45665222875/in/dateposted-public/)

 

Rey slowly woke up early the next morning, her bleary eyes straining against the soft light of dawn streaming in from the windows. The lovely effects of the spiked hot chocolate had gone and left behind the nasty ones. The taste in her mouth, the ache in her brow and the inability to form a coherent thought. Had it just been been the cocoa? Oh. It was bourbon-laced cocoa that turned into more bourbon that turned into more expensive bourbon. Rey pressed the heels of her hands into her eyes, trying in vain to rub some of the fogginess from her brain. She shifted slightly under the heavy down comforter and saw him out of the corner of her eye. Dead to the world, Ben laid on his back with a heavy arm draped over his eyes, snoring softly. Rey smiled to herself and reached up her hand to gently run her finger down the line of his long nose and over his full lips. He gave a sleepy grumble and rolled over with his wide, muscular back facing her. Softly laughing to herself, she silently slid her naked body out from under the covers, planting her feet on the floor and tip-toeing to the bathroom. She groaned at the sight of herself in the mirror. Mascara was smeared beneath her eyes and her hair was the loveliest kind of bed head imaginable. Turning on the sink, she furiously scrubbed her face clean and ran a brush through her snarled hair. Quickly brushing her teeth, she could feel herself wake up a little more and the fog began to slightly lift from her thoughts. Wandering back into the bedroom, she reached for Ben’s black hoodie he had been wearing the day before. When she lifted the soft fabric to slide her arms through the sleeves, a small blue box tied with a red ribbon fell to the floor with a soft thump. Panic-stricken, she gasped out a shuddering breath,

_Oh no, no, no, no, no. Don’t do this Ben, please don’t go this way._

She backed away from it like it carried the plague, placing her hand on the back of one of the chairs by the fireplace to steady her shaking legs. She tightly closed her eyes, wishing for the box to disappear but when she opened them, there it sat. Her eyes darted back and forth from Ben’s sleeping form and the package. There’s only one thing that would come in a Tiffany blue box. Shaking herself from her instantaneous panic, she rummaged through her bag and quickly pulled on a pair of sleep pants and a tee. Eager for a quick getaway, she silently dashed across the room, pausing to consider the small parcel that laid on the floor. Rey quickly snatched it up with shaking hands and ran out the door, closing it quietly behind her. 

 

A couple hours had come and gone since she had discovered it. She’d made tea, thinking that a good, steaming cup fixes nearly everything but her attention kept coming back to it over and over again. Rey paced in front of the windows and had nearly worn a hole in the floor before finding herself tucked into the sofa, hugging a pillow to her chest, holding onto it for dear life. She stared at the box on the coffee table in front of her, regarding it cautiously like a ticking bomb. 

_Do you love me?_

_More than anything._

Rey clamped her eyes shut, trying in vain to hold back the tears that were starting to fall. She desperately wished that they could go back to the night before, when everything was simpler. It was just him and her, uncomplicated, without the weight of the world around them.

_Good things never last._

Her eyes fluttered open when she heard the bedroom door open with a soft creak. Ben greeted her with a sleepy lopsided smile,

“Good morning, sweetheart. How’d you sleep?” His smiled faltered when she looked up at him and he saw her tear stained cheeks, “Rey, what is it? What’s wrong?”

“You promised,” she murmured, “You promised you wouldn’t push me.” Ben looked confused for a moment before his gaze fell to the Tiffany blue box on the table in front of her,

“Oh, Rey no. Let me explain,”

“Please. Don’t,” she begged as her tears began to fall freely, taking a slow, shuddering breath, “Ben, I don’t think I can do this. I think it would be best if you went back home.”

He ran his hands through his hair in frustration, mashing his full lips together as his own tears began to form in his pain-filled eyes,

“Goddamnit, Rey,” he lamented, rubbing a large hand across his forehead, “When are you going to make up your mind? When are you going to get out of your fucking head and love you as much as I do? When are you going to understand that there’s no home for me anywhere that you’re not?” He stood there patiently, waiting for her reply. Rey closed her eyes tightly and turned away from him, her actions telling him everything he needed to know. He let out an exasperated sigh, turning on his heel to storm out of the room. 

He emerged a few moments later, dressed in jeans and his black hoodie, bag in hand. Rey had moved from her perch on the sofa and was leaning her elbows on the cool granite countertop with her head in her hands,

“I know you don’t want to talk, but I need you to listen, Sweetheart,” Ben implored her, his voice quiet and gravelly as he tried to hold back his own tears, “I know that you have gone through the most unimaginable things in your life and I understand why you keep pushing me away,” he dropped his bag to the floor and strode up to her, placing his hands under her chin to force her gaze to meet his, “I get it, I do, but it’s time to let old things die. Your mother, Unkar. Let it all die. Kill it, if you have to. It’s the only way to become what you were meant to be. It’s the only way that you will get the happiness you deserve. I had hoped that it would be with me.” He looked into her hazel eyes, silently begging for her to say something, anything to break the unbearable tension between them. She gazed back at him softly for a moment before her brows furrowed and her gaze became a steely glare,

“How could you understand? You grew up with a family who loved you, who gave a damn about you! No, I tried to be kind, Ben, I asked you nicely to leave. Now I am telling you. Go, now.” He stood there defiantly, refusing to budge until she would talk to him, “Go! Get out! Leave!” she exclaimed suddenly, shoving her hands into his broad chest hard enough for him to take an unbalanced step back. Rey continued to shout, beating her palms against him when he suddenly locked her wrists in his grip. He stared down at her with a fiery glint in his eyes before crushing his mouth to hers in a bruising kiss, filling it with a desperate passion. Her traitorous body melted against him, helpless under his skillful touch. Ben moved his lips against hers, plundering her mouth with his tongue and pulling on her lip with his teeth. He released her hands and snaked his fingers through her hair, pouring every thought and emotion he had for her into their heated kiss. Rey rested her hands against the broad planes of his muscular chest and gently pushed him away, 

“Go. Please,” she sobbed.

With anguished eyes, he stepped away from her, bent to pick up his bag and made his way to the front door. He paused with his hand on the door handle and murmured against it,

“I love you.”

“I know.”

He let out a strangled sob, blinking lashes that were heavy with his tears, turned the handle and reluctantly walked out the door. 

 

As the door latched behind him, Rey slowly sunk to the floor in a heap, her anger and panic replaced by a searing pain in her soul. As much as she tried to hold it in, her agony came out in a strangled silent scream. Pearl-shaped tears started rolling down one after another with no sign of them ever ending. She hit the wall and tried to shout but her voice was caught in her throat and only came out as a choked cry. Muffled sobs wracked her body and the world turned into a blur. After a while, she lifted her head from her knees, her body officially out of tears. She didn’t know how much time she had spent crumpled on the floor. Standing, she shuffled her feet towards the sofa and wrapped herself up in one of the soft throw blankets like a cocoon and situated herself in the cushions. She felt emotionally bankrupt. There was nothing left to feel, nothing left to say, nothing left but the hollow emptiness that encased her mind in a swirling darkness. Rey started to drift into a restless sleep, fading out of consciousness, then back in, but only for a brief moment, her eyes fluttering shut once more with the hazy sight of the sparkling Christmas tree growing dim behind her lashes. Soon, it was just her and her dreams.

 

_She was walking up the limestone staircase at the Solo’s. When she reached the top, an outstretched hand waited for her. She looked up into the smiling brandy-colored eyes of her Ben. He continued to reach for her, wordlessly begging for her to come with him. Behind him, his mother waved her over, holding a freckle-faced, raven-haired toddler in her arms. She slid her hand into his and he pulled her into a dining room with a table laden with food. Rey stretched her fingers out to take a cookie from a platter when it was snatched out of her hand by slimy, fat fingers. Unkar was there, sneering at her as he stuffed the sweet in his mouth, chewing loudly,_

_“Mmmm, these are much too good for children.”_

_She tried to argue with him but her voice was silent. Rey panicked, silently screaming at the family around her in the dining room, as a dark hole opened in the floor beneath her. Unkar wrapped his flabby arms around her and dragged her deep into the depths as she desperately reached for Ben, her cries unheard. Moments later, she would be at the top of the stairs again with Ben and his proffered hand. The dining room. The future just out of her reach. She tried making a different choice but Unkar was still there, dragging her into the darkness, wordlessly screaming for Ben to help her. It continued over and over on a never ending loop. It didn’t matter which path she took, she always was caught in the clutches of her past, falling into the endless black pit._

 

Rey woke suddenly, every single thought in her head in high definition. Her eyes took in the soft afternoon light and she knew without a doubt that she had slept for far too long. She groggily pulled herself from her nest in the couch and made her way gradually into the kitchen. Pulling another bottle of her cheap wine from the cupboard, pulled the cork and poured herself a generous glass. She pressed the cool glass rim against her dry, cracked lips and took a slow, long drink. It went down smoothly, warming the cold pit in her chest. She looked out the window and saw that the snow had begun to fall once more, the flakes shimmering and swirling together in a graceful dance in the dwindling evening light. She clutched the glass to her chest as she remembered Ben finding her in the snow the day before and the comfort he had given her in her moment of need. The tears started to rise once again at the thought of him and his warm embrace. In one motion, she raised the glass and chugged it down before clasping both hands over her mouth to keep it in, praying that the warm, red liquid would help to keep her tumultuous emotions at bay for a little while longer. She filled her glass once more and clutched it to her chest as she wandered into the living room to explore the bookshelves there. She searched through Leia’s collection, quietly whispering the titles against her lips, looking for the right one. Running her fingers along the leather-bound spines, she brought her hand to her choice. Settling back into the cushions, she opened Madame Bovary and began to read. She poured herself into the pages, so absorbed that it was almost like a trance. She scoured over every word and lived in each page with breathless rapture, the characters leaping out at her from the printed words inside. Every word that Flaubert wrote seemed to speak directly to her. 

At the bottom of her heart, however, she was waiting for something to happen. Like shipwrecked sailors, she turned despairing eye upon the solitude of her life, seeking afar off some white sail in the mists of the horizon. She did not know what this chance would be, what wind would bring it to her, towards what shore it would drive her, if it would be a shallop or a three-decker, laden with anguish or full of bliss to the portholes. But each morning, as she awoke, she hope it would come that day; she listened to every sound, sprang up with a start, wondered that it did not come; then at sunset, always more saddened, she longed for the morrow.

Rey recalled being a little girl in London, gazing out at the world as it passed her by, wishing for something or someone to take her away like this. She wondered if perhaps Ben was what everything had been leading her towards. Her heart ached as she remembered the misery in his eyes as she pushed him away that morning. He had been so patient with her, quietly loving her from afar as she constantly kept him at arm’s length. She hated herself for allowing her past to keep such a tight grip on her heart. Even now, Unkar’s words trapped her like sharp claws, long after she had removed herself from his physical grasp. Rey wondered if she would be able to follow Ben’s advice. 

_Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to._

She thought she wasn’t that fearful child anymore but here she was, a woman who was as afraid of the future as she was of her past. The fear held onto her like a heavy set of shackles, constantly weighing her down with their unbreakable grasp. Then there was Ben. She felt like that heavy weight that plagued her evaporated like water under an early summer sun. Whenever she was in his strong embrace, it felt like like nothing could ever hurt her. With him, she felt warm and safe. She felt loved. When Ben looked at her, it was like every ounce of air was suddenly stolen from her lungs. Every time they kissed, the world stopped, leaving the two of them, alone, to explore the world together. When he held her in his arms, it felt like he was taking apart her walls she had built within, brick by brick. Is that what falling in love felt like? She turned the page and found her answer,

_Love, she thought, must come suddenly, with great outbursts and lightnings, —a hurricane of the skies, which falls upon life, revolutionizes it, roots up the will like a leaf, and sweeps the whole heart into the abyss._

Her eyes tired, she softly closed the book and set it on the table next to the little blue box that remained there in its spot from that morning, silently taunting her for the last few hours. She stood and wandered to a shelf packed full of movies and picked her favorite. Not long after, Judy Garland graced the large tv screen on the wall, belting out a song about love at first sight while riding a trolley through Saint Louis. As she watched the movie, her gaze kept coming back to that little box over and over again. She resisted the urge to look for as long as she could before finally reaching out and holding the small gift in her trembling hands. She gently grabbed the end of the red ribbon and slowly pulled, unraveling the dainty bow. With shaking fingers, she lifted the lid and revealed another blue box inside. She took a shuddering breath and tilted the velvet covered parcel into her open hand and ever so slowly lifted the lid with a quiet creak. She let out a soft sob,

“Oh God, what have I done?”

Nestled inside was a dazzling pair of solitaire diamond earrings, sparkling in the flickering firelight. Tucked into the box was a small, handwritten note. She unfolded it with a trembling hand and read the elegant script,

_Rey,_

_When I see you, time stops. It is like all of space and time have collapsed into one tiny speck and explodes at light speed. My universe begins and ends with you. I could search forever, run forever, but every path would lead me back to you. I love you always, and when you feel like you are ready, I will love you still. Just know, that I am here, constant and burning, like the sun. Have faith, sweetheart. Have faith in me and have faith in us. Merry Christmas._

_I love you._

_-Ben_

 

Everything that morning had been for nothing. A beautiful gift. His beautiful words. He’d tried to make her see and set her fears at ease but she never gave him the chance. She only pushed him away. The man who loved her.

The man she loved. 

She was in love with him. That much was clear to her now. He never left her mind. He was even in her dreams. He was the one stable force that she so desperately needed in her chaotic life. He was always there, ever present and comforting. Patient and kind. She loved him so much more for that. She was in love with him and couldn’t believe that she had only just realized it. She held the box to her heart and cried with quiet sobs as Judy Garland crooned in the background,

_Someday soon, we all will be together_  
If the fates allow  
Until then we’ll have to muddle through somehow  
So have yourself a merry little Christmas now 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you, thank you, thank you for reading!!!
> 
> The NYE follow up is LIVE as of 01/01/19!!!
> 
> I know that this one was a rough ride, but all wounds will be healed!!

**Author's Note:**

> If you’ve come from “Fall Into Me”, welcome back!!! I have loved writing this installment soooo much and so look forward to revisiting our lovers on New Years Eve with “Meet Me at Midnight”!!
> 
> Thank you so much to all of you who have left kudos and comments! Each one means the world to me and makes for the best writing fuel!!


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